hey baby, need a ride?

the events that you are about to hear are both true and frightening:

couple of weeks ago, i was walking out of urban outfitters on melrose when some old dude, clear on the other side of the street, yelled: "hey BABY! need a ride SUGAR?!!"

today, as I was walking to the grove, some random guy (on the way to his car) planted himself in front of me, motioned for me to take my headphones out of my ears and asked me: "so, um, you need a ride or something?" to which i could only muster a "you must be joking" before putting my headphones back in and walking off quickly as possible.

so, here's my question: when did it become a good pick up line, in the unsafe world that we live in, to ask random women if they need rides? i mean, surely nothing says "i'm a huge perv and although aware of the constant warnings to women to stay the fuck away from strangers who invite them into their cars, i'd like to install that image into your mind right about...now...because i'd like you to definitely know once again...that i'm a perv." i mean, come the fuck on. to add insult to injury, this guy wasn't even fucking driving! yea, it wasn't even his car.

to say that its just one asshole without a clue would be ignoring the fact that i've been asaulted with this pick up line in just the last month: once when i was walking to my car and once when i was obviously almost at my destination (as the ride was offered in the parking lot of the grove as i was heading in). is this a new trend? are there women out there accepting these rides? is tom fucking lickus up to something new? I mean, i'm not saying you should take tips from this guy: http://attraction-chronicles.blogspot.com/2005_09_26_attraction-chronicles_archive.html
(that is, unless you like that terrible facial hair, pucca shell necklace (we've discussed), fucking terrible guy outfit look, then yea...go ahead and listen to the greasy bastard)
or anything, but christ all mighty, "hey baby, need a ride?" is just beyond anything remotely tasteful and what's worse--anything that might lead to success of any sort.

all i'm saying is, don't pick up on someone by being pervy. be organic, be spontaneous, be anything but the sad fucks that i'm referring to above. seriously, i'd almost prefer, "what's your name, what's your number? where's the party tonight?" over "need a ride?" unless at the precise moment you happen to be offering that so-called ride you are a) my friend; b) a taxi driver; or d) (in moments of possible despiration) an mta driver. point is fellas, no more offering rides to ladies you don't know, ok? it just ain't kosher.

video game law

starts next week.















one of the chapters in my book:
Monkey business: king kong vs. donkey kong

game on...

memorial day weekend: shit to do

Thursday
8pm: Tone Loc, Digital Underground, Coolio, Young MC at the Key Club, 9039 Sunet blvd, West Hollywood. I mean, how can this be bad?

9pm: hip hop, latin soul and dub at the Rootdown at Little Temple, 4515 Santa Monica, Silver Lake. The rootdown, a long-established L.A. hip hop scene is always worth a trip out to the vermont area. small fee for valet and cover, both worth it.

Friday
eh, couldn't find anything. go see stick it, the da vinci code, poisdon, mission impossible or some other crappy movie Hollywood's trying to claim is the next summer blockbuster hit!!! alternatively, you could catch up with all of the good tv that you missed this week, oh wait...

Saturday:
7pm: Invasion of the Body Snatchers with Cemetary Screenings at the Hollywood Forev er cemetary. for more info: www.cemetaryscreenings.com

9:30pm: DJ Logic hosts Soundlessons at the Echo, 1822 Sunset Blvd., Echo Park

9pm: West Indian Girl, Northern at Spaceland, 1717 Silver Lake Blvd, Silver Lake

9pm: get some 'quality' hip hop with djs mason and haul. Zanzibar, 1301 Fifth street, Santa Monica. only caution, this is quite a dude-heavy venue and sometimes features djs that are less than, eh, average. otherwise, a solid night of very decent hip hop.


Sunday:
Sunday and Monday: the UCLA Jazz/Reggae festival featuring Floetry on Sunday. for more info: http://www.studentgroups.ucla.edu/jazzreggae/

next week
coming up: 8-bit, the Atma, and ninja acadmey at the good hurt, 12249 Venice blvd, Mar Vista

now run along and play like the good little children you are....

accessibility: are you really that important?

everyone's seen these guys who have their mobile(s), pager, digital camera, etc. etc.. all on their cheesy-ass fake gucci belt. for god's sake, its not like you're batman, a carpenter or any such other person that doesn't have those few seconds to reach into your pocket to aprehend whatever device it is that is currently beeping (or obnoxiously playing "trying to catch me riding dirty" or whatever). seriously, what is the fucking deal? i mean, i'm not suggesting that you start carrying a "European Men's Carry-All" or some such item, but seriously, put that shit away. i think you have those few extra seconds that would enable you to stop your best impersonation of a radio shack store and look like a human being.

and while we're at it, go home right now and please do all man-kind a favor and burn your pleated pants. is there a reason to emphasize the roundness of your belly? yea, didn't think so. off you run then...

don't be that guy...

seriously, don't be that guy....

a) that seriously f's up with a chick, never apologizes and then days/weeks/months later tries to act like nothing has ever happened and tries AGAIN to pick up on her...don't be that guy

b) that still wears the pucca shell necklace. that is, unless you'd like to announce to the world that you have absolutely no personality and like the fact that you are exactly like every other fucking guy who went to abercrombie and thought that was his ticket into "coolness." ...don't be that guy

c) that stares at everyone, no holds bar. no one likes a guy who stares...its creepy, don't be that guy

d) that still listens to dave matthews band or DMB or whatever you tards call it. everyone's sobered up and figured out what a pervy song "crash" is, so phaaaleeease give it up. don't be that guy

e) that overplucks or overwaxes his eyebrows. its so metrosexual its not even funny. look, its just not flattering and it only bespeaks of your committment to stealing the mirror in the morning for 45 minutes. don't be that guy

f) that plays 10 girls at one time on myspace. um, yea, so we have computers too and we see all those other comments left in glittery pink writing about "getting back at me." have a fucking backbone...one at a time dude at least on line...duh...don't be that guy

g) that wears the t-shirt of the band that he's going to the concert to see (sorry couldn't help it)...don't be that guy merch

h) that spikes his hair to make it look alternatively like he was in one hell of a wind tunnel or got hair tips from sonic the hedgehog. c'mon, i don't know one straight chick that's into that. n-o-t a o-n-e. not only does it make your hair look thinner (esp. if you have black hair), but it makes you look like a right idiot. what exactly is it that you're going for? that look like you're perpetually in motion? too quick to grab a hold of? figure it out, don't be that guy

and finally:

i) that gets 30 inch rims on his piece of shit car. you know who you are. and who you are is a dipshit. don't be that guy.

here's to making your ass look twice the size it really is...

look everyone, there's this disturbing trend that seems to be going around lately and i just can't keep quiet about it anymore: tapered pants.
stop it, stop it right now. For god's sake people, is there a reason that you need to make your lower half look like an upside down pyramid? any reason to make your ass look twice the size it normally does and your ankles twice as small as they should be? nooooooooooooo....someone please tell me, because I cannot for the life of me figure out why in the hell anyone would want their hips to be emphasized to such a degree that in taking in the figure the eye is automatically drawn up and out. seriously, why god, why??? and if you don't want to take my word for it, take a look for yourselves and try and tell me I'm wrong...that's what I thought....