this just in: turns out sleeping isn't that overrated...

put a suit on this kid and it could have been me this week at work (both jobs that is). turns out that 5-6 hours every day isn't enough sleep to get through just daily life.

evidence that points definitively to lack of sleep:

1. everyone becomes "that guy" or "that girl" or similarily "dude" because you can't remember their names.

2. the word "thing" becomes more important and useful than you can imagine as you substitute it for all the vocabulary words that you learned in fourth grade. examples of this are: "hey dude, can you pass that thing that keeps papers together?" (stapler) or see "we gotta wait for that thing because you know that girl has to do stuff." (??)

3. which brings me to my next point, every action becomes equated with the word "stuff." such as "we gotta do that stuff" or "i think i'm supposed to be off doing that stuff with that girl right now." similarily, for those who are incredibly sleep deprived and couldn't give a toss about office appropriatness, "stuff" easily becomes "shit" and the word "shit" gets used in every context under the sun including: "it's that shit that has the shit that needs to be done" and "i gotta run off some shit and then this shit here needs some filing or something." shit often is similarily substituted for any word that you may have forgotten including such words as "shoes" "paper" "bathroom" "pen" and "computer."

4. vagueness becomes...everything can only be described in the most vague terms (see above) and those who are not sleep deprived are left to imagine what you are talking about.

5. staring becomes...staring off into space, or at a coworkers totally bizzare hairdo/outfit whatever occurs more often than you can control as random thoughts start to pop in your head like "did i lock my car?" " i wonder what the thing about britney spears was all about today" or the more basic "ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

6. you begin to wonder when you last had caffeine and whether its ok or not to douse yourself in a bath of diet coke in an effort to find some semblance of an awake state. Often, this state is accompanied by questions like: "so, i had two ventis coffees this morning, and a coke at lunch, do you think it'd be alright to drink 10 cans of red bull or is that really that bad?" as you can see, this symptom of sleep deprivation often takes on a somewhat statistical role as the sleep deprived tries to martial what brain power they may have to tally up the amount of caffeine that is humanly possible to ingest in one day....and live to tell the tale.

7. you start answering people's inane questions with truthful responses that only the sane person would recognize should never be uttered. Such occurances generally are restricted to women in which one woman says "dude, i can't believe my thighs are so fat" to which the sleep deprived answers "could you shut the fuck up about your thighs, no one gives a fuck about your thighs.every day you whine about your thighs and really your like the size of a fucking stick, go eat something and get the fuck out of my face." or in the alternative, "hey, do you think this goatee looks bad on me?" "um, yea...oh i mean no. it totally looks rad." whoops. we've all been there.

8. you begin thinking of your bed like a vacation destination: "man, i cannot wait to go to bed. its gonna be soooo good" and talk about it every five minutes as if no one around you has a bed or has ever tried to lay down in one.

9. you look at yourself in the mirror, are displeased with the dishelved hair but are too lazy to fix it even though it would only take a total of five to ten seconds to look respectable again.

10. making conversation with people in your office becomes an insurmountable task so much so that you instead resolve to only jump in every now and then with a "word" or "yea, me too" so as to not seem like you hate everyone (which in your sleep deprived state, you may).

so you can see, there are several (and many more not listed here) symptoms of sleep deprivation that slowly turn you into a complete idiot as the week stretches on. however, i think my favorite has to be the substitution game in which you find yourself talking about one thing, look up and observe another thing and somehow that thing finds its way into your sentence: "so, there I was on the street and this *boot* i mean, bitch comes up to me and..." often items that surround you make a surprising appearance within your sentences and you find yourself talking about salt shakers suddenly when you meant to talk about grades. ehhhh...either way, sleep is the way to go. and i plan to get a lot of it, soon as thursday rolls around. whooooo-hooo...