look, your friends won't tell you, your mom certainly didn't tell you, its about time you get a clue, and just in the nick of time...its the haters guide to...
5.08.2007
getting the terminator to release the slut
i'm just going to come out and say it. paris hilton's friends are asking the governor for a pardon for her dumb ass stint of driving on a suspended DUI licence. i mean, you know....it might work....
jesus. come the fuck on with this.
i mean, maybe tomorrow i'll find a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, and maybe i might not. who knows?! you know?!!
hey, i know! lets ask burger king to lobby president bush to give paris a federal pardon because of all of her hard work and dedication that she put into that stupid burger king commercial when she writhed around on a car. i mean, its hard work being paris hilton. just look, sometimes its hard to even walk straight. she deserves a purple heart for all of her hard work. she's a real american idol.
ugh..i think i just threw up a little in my mouth.
The petition is in keeping with the brilliant legal strategy of pointing the finger at others (obviously it worked at hearing, so.....). now, i'm only a third year law student, but i'm pretty sure that, "what??!!! she did it too,she even killed somebody and you didn't put her in jail" isn't a real sound argument, especially when the "her" is none other than....brandy. i mean, what's next? blame it all on transformers and the impending robot war? obviously adhering to reality isn't important here.
The best part of this whole petition is the use of the word "career" in reference to paris hilton:
"Brandy's California Highway accident, although no proof of DUI was evidenced in her accident, resulting in the death of a young wife and mother in California, yet Brandy walks free as of today, never doing any time and A WOMAN HAS BEEN KILLED most likely due to her reckless driving!
Yet, Paris Hilton did not hurt, injure, or kill anyone or anything, and yet she must do jail time. [ohhhh, good one.]
This petition is to ask Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to pardon Paris Hilton for her mistake. Please allow her to her return to her career and life."
jesus h. christ. check out the petition and take part in the revolution. free the drunken, anorexic tranny! i'm thinking of making buttons. whose in?
this is possibly the best news i've recieved in a long time.
i've actually toured a jail in los angeles county and lets just say it ain't no fucking picnic. i luv that kathy hilton asked the city attorney for his autograph because "this is rediculous." no what's rediculous is that you own a million, kadrillion, dollars and you can't hire a fucking driver for your trannalicious daughter of yours. come on.
this is certainly the month for celebrity justice. girls gone wild guy cries in jail as his jailmate taunts him day and night while spector's lawyers are accused of hiding a fingernail that had gunshot residue on it (meaning that good ole mr. fro-do fired a gun) from the D.A's office.
fuck it. dating sucks. everyone knows it, except you happiest of happiest couples, to which i say congratulations...you can suck it.
its always fucking backwards: the one that you want doesn't want you, the one that you want disappeared, broke your heart or took a trip to france and, well, never came back (or died, went to berkley, something.....). either way, no one's happy and we all make each other fucking miserable.
what gives?
for instance, i know, oh, a handful of women who are smart, pretty, confident and either find themselves sadly relating to songs by paula abdul or, tragically, songs by tragic eighties artists ( i don't care what anyone says, "we built this city on rock and roll!!!!!" is NOT the worst song ever written, but i majorily digress). it feels like over and over again, every single one of my girlfriends becomes another victim to the, "uh, so i like you a lot, but i just don't want a girlfriend right now." its fucking retarded. grow up. but something still haunts me.
what if, what if...god forbid, tom likus is right and there's no fucking hope for those of us ladies who prefer a gentleman and an education? are we doomed to the singles tables at weddings for the rest of our lives pretending that we're stewardesses instead of lawyers and doctors?
if so, i'm fucked considering that i'm finishing up law school. awesome. i paid 150 grand to be undatable. oh, wait, don't forget the fancy piece of paper i get to put in my office!
ok. when i was in college i learned about the marriage gradient. it means that researchers have found that while women typically tend to date and marry at their education level or above, men tend to date and marry at their education level or below (big surprise there, oh wait). what that means is that the more educated you get as a man, the more people there are for you to date and marry-hurrah! but if you're a lady with a brain, good luck. better grab that gardner who was whistling at you when you sat next to him at the light (i mean, hey, he might be able to get the truck one night for himself, and if not, you can always squeeze in the cab right?). soooo, as my friend with an M.B.A and i were discussing, we're fucked. and the most frustrating thing is that magazines, t.v., movies with john cusack (hey cloisterman, i'm with you, cusack has ruined it for all of us), make women believe that there are men out there who want a smart woman, but in reality that's not the truth. its just not. and the older i get the more convinced i get of this. or rather i should say, the more ex-boyfriends i accumulate who pick up dumber girls.
its fucking sweet. high five!
i will now admit something i'm not proud of, really not proud of. today, after my four hour final, i watched the Lake House with keanu reeves and sandra bullock. i watched it mainly because i wanted to see if they would explain how the magical postbox the delivered mail two years back and two years forward worked (and why all the other mail that keanu received--bills, magazines etc--was NOT forwarded two years into the future), and you know what, it never did. but what the movie did provide was another male character in a romantic comedy that liked the smart (doctor), witty, beautiful and lonely sandra bullock. he liked her so much that he went and found her copy of Persuasion, found where her apartment would be in the future and burried it under a floor board for her to find two years in the future and clutch to her breast in an oh-so dramatic moment.
there are so many things wrong with this movie that i kind of don't know where to start, but one thing really seems to jump out. at one point in time keneau in that matrix voice of his ("woah, i know kung foo") yells, "what about Persuasion!!!! remember persuasion!! i'll wait for you!"
this is complete and utter bullshit. i'm sorry. i love jane austin. in fact, i am somewhat of a fanatic of jane austin. i re-read one of her novels every year and every year i am more and more fascinated with the idea of the austinian man. in fact, a man like keaneu reeves in the lake house. a man who will wait two years for a woman he's only corresponded with through a magical mailbox. these men are a falicy. no man reads jane austin and i know of no man that even knows that jane austin wrote a book called persuasion. men don't wait around magical mailboxes pining for two years for the woman who rented their house before (after??) them and the only scene that has an ounce of truth to it in that whole damn movie is when sandra bullock plays chess with her dog because there's no one else around. that and when she has lunch on valentine's day with her mom. stupid hallmark holiday (but that's a whole other topic). point is, men like mr. darcy (hilariously named fitzwilliam, not so cool now, eh?) who liked the strongheaded elizabeth, and mr. architect, brooding, keaneu reeves guy don't fucking exist and if they did, they'd most likely not fancy me.
or women like me.
so my question is (rather sarah jessica parker of me, i know): is the myth of the man who likes smart, funny girls a reality or is it just another character in a john cusack movie that makes me want to hurl my beer at the tv. and shout LIAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm just going to come out and say it. paris hilton's friends are asking the governor for a pardon for her dumb ass stint of driving on a suspended DUI licence. i mean, you know....it might work....
